CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: 30 flirty and thriving

If you noticed something different about me, it's probably because I'm 30 now. It's a project I've been working toward my entire life, and I'm proud to say that hard work has finally paid off. Some people have asked why I didn't just stay 29 (being in your 20s suits you so well! you're so good at it! have you thought about just turning 20-10?). While I appreciate the kind words, I ask that you respect my decision to keep aging, a brave choice in these trying times. I do plan on being 30 for at least a year and will reevaluate at that time. Who knows! If 30 is bad, I'll just go back to being 29 next year!
  SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY MOUTH Ana and I made cake for my birthday, of course. *audience applauds* And that cake? It was from a box mix. *audience claps for me, their relatable kween* We frosted it with a mix of Cool Whip and Cookie Butter *audience gasps*. Then—and this is crucial—we let it sit in the fridge for a few hours and some of the frosting soaked into the cake, making it taste like a drive-thru version of tres leches cake in the best way. *audience goes "woo" like they would for a celebrity making a sitcom cameo* And get this: I've been eating that cake for breakfast. *audience climaxes simultaneously*
  SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY FAT ASS WALLET If you want to maintain any respect for me, you will not read the next sentence: I got a Palo Santo candle from Bath and Body Works, and it smells so good I might pass away. My favorite way to enjoy it is by blowing it out when Riley does a bad fart. Then, I waft the smoke the living room like I'm saging the space to remove any negative ass energy. If you like smells that are musky, wood-y, make you feel like you are at an intimating unisex boutique, probably own an iron were they to become human, this is the scent for you.
  SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY EYES AND EARS All I think about are Love Island US and The Vow, an HBO docuseries about a sex cult that a bunch of people from Smallville and Battlestar Gallactica were a part of. It's unsettling and horrifyingly inviting, like if Scientology and an MLM had a baby. The series is perfect for escaping our current hellscape for one where Allison Mack is a major figure.

The US version of Love Island is not as good as the original UK series, and this is mostly due to my dumb brain getting less second-hand embarrassment when people uncomfortably flirt in a British accent. They're currently filming during these Strange And Unprecedented Times™ but only very occasionally mention coronavirus and quarantining. The eponymous "island" is the rooftop of a casino on the Las Vegas strip. They go on dates surrounded by empty slot machines. It's all very apocalyptic and horny. The series is perfect for reminding yourself to continue social distancing and wearing your mask.
  SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY BIG, BIG GALAXY BRAIN I just finished Such A Fun Age by Kiley Reid. It's about Emira, a black babysitter, and Alix, her white employer who is a Lean In/#GirlBoss-style influencer, and their relationship which is heavily tinged with Alix's desire to be seen as A Nice, Good White Lady. At the beginning of the book, Emira is wrongly accused of kidnapping Alix's daughter while the two are at a grocery store. Antics of whiteness, identity, and race ensue. The first half of the book was a slow burn for me (okay, I'm a literary scholar now?) but I read the last 80ish pages in one go last night. I haven't felt so satisfied with a book's ending in a while. 
  SOMETHING I MADE FOR YOU TO EAT I wrote about Kylie Jenner's avocado toast for Bustle in case you forgot that I minored in journalism. I tried to teach Ana how to do a cartwheel. I don't have any sort of media to share with you regarding that journey, but it is important to me that you know about it. My book, Weird But Normal, is still out in the world for you to buy or write a nice Good Reads review for or shout into the void about.
  Stay hungry,

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