CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: april fool bish
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY MOUTH
Wasabi peas are my whole life right now. I love them. They love me. Also, did you know you've probably never eaten real wasabi? Wow, amazing. This is an educational newsletter now. I am your teacher. You are my class. You may call me Ms. Mercado, and I will be the teacher who always has chalk marks on her ass.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY MIND AND THEN SPIT IT OUT BECAUSE ICKY NO THANK U
The New York Times recently published a week in the life of Robin Arzón, a fitness instructor and VP of programming for Peloton. Peloton is like Soul Cycle but you can do it at your house if you buy a $2500 stationary bike. A "VP of Programming" is just a bunch of words that mean "money money gimme money." And Arzón is like if a ginger shot came to life and had abs. The weekly diary starts with Arzon drinking what is essentially diluted apple cider vinegar and saying, "I immediately feel replenished and energized." If you've ever wanted to read a daily itinerary that slaps you across the face then kisses your forehead, there you go.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY EYES
NASA canceled its all-female spacewalk because it didn't have enough suits for both women. (Two. They only needed two suits.) Aidy Bryant as astronaut Anne McClain wide-eyed and laughing painfully through a forced smile is all my feelings about that.
I also saw Us, and unfortunately, I am too stoopid to have any good takes. When we got out of the theater, I turned to Riley and said, "I liked it in the way that it made me feel......dumb?" All my takes are I believe all the alternate theories and Elisabeth Moss is Spooky White Woman™ canon and I would let two Lupita Nyong'os stab me to death every day of my life.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY EARS
I went to NYC for the Satire and Humor Fest a couple weekends ago (thank u so much pls stay seated). The thing that got me through every subway ride and walk to/from the station was Tempo by Lizzo featuring Missy Elliot and the line "My ass is not an accessorary." William Shakespeare's made up words are shooketh.
The only good April Fools prank is the Discocover Weekly playlist Spotify put together. It's a Disco-themed playlist and haha prank's on you, Spotify, I actually love a horn section and funky beat!!! I plan on listening to this 12-second song called "Boogie Takeover" forever until I die or the robots takeover which is probably already happening as they learn all my weaknesses (itty bitty funky songs featuring a strong horn section).
SOMETHING I MADE FOR YOU TO EAT
Now that the sun has released herself from time out, please review this piece I wrote for the New Yorker last year called What Even Is Springtime?
For Bustle, I wrote about this grocery store that had to issue a statement saying it is definitely not haunted because people on Facebook kept saying "...it haunted."
Stay hungry, binch
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