CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: bark bark bish
If you're new here, welcome! This is a newsletter about all the things I have recently consumed. Some of the things are new and current. Many of them are old things I have finally gotten around to consuming. All of them are some form of delicious trash.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY DIRTY FILTHY MOUTH
I have rekindled my love affair with Puppy Chow. If you aren't from the Midwest, Puppy Chow is a food that consists of melted chocolate chips and peanut butter mixed with Chex cereal and coated with powdered sugar. It is called "Puppy Chow" because you have to bark when you eat it.
I've been eating what I will call a deconstructed version of Puppy Chow because I am apparently too impatient to microwave chocolate for even 30 seconds. Here is the recipe if you'd like to follow along at home:
One (1) handful of chocolate chips, preferably milk chocolate. This is an intimidation tactic against the three (3) cavities you currently have.
One (1) handful of peanut butter chips that you just found in your cabinet. You should have no idea how these chips got there, how long they have been there, or even if you bought them.
One (1) box of Rice Chex
Consider melting the chocolate and peanut butter chips but why delay the inevitable?
Put the unmelted chocolate and peanut butter chips into a bowl. Combine with a couple of handfuls of Chex cereal.
Think about getting a spoon but end up mixing it with your hands
Eat each piece of Chex with two chocolate chips and one peanut butter chip (The Golden Ratio)
Ask your husband if he still loves you
Repeat until you are full or tired of chewing. Whichever comes first.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY EYES
I got ~*inebriated*~ and watched Signs for the first time ever. My takeaways are as follow:
Mel Gibson is trash, and, ultimately, if you can't make a character likable, you must give them a Dead Wife.
I am almost the same age as Rory Culkin.
Child actors should be illegal but tiny baby Abigail Breslin is so cute I might die.
The aliens were funny and did make me laugh every time I saw them.
Riley said that they were "very scary" when the movie first came out, but I don't believe him.
However, I did spend a lot of my time on my phone Googling "Rory Culkin how old" so maybe the aliens would have been scarier if I didn't do that.
Instead of watching Signs, you should watch this new short thriller called Rachel by Kate Berlant, John Early, and Andrew DeYoung.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY EARS
I have, of course, been listening to T*yl*r Sw*ft's latest single because I am, of course, part of the problem. My hot takes are as follows: "ME!" was bad. "You Need To Calm Down" is fine and an earworm and I have been listening to it nonstop. Unfortunately, nothing she has written will ever be as funny, catchy, or representative of performative allyship as Matt Rogers' interpretation of her forthcoming album. BLE$$ deserves a Pulitzer. "With a wishin' and a bless" are the six most beautiful words in any language. But my favorite song of the bunch is, as Olivia Colman once said, "GAY RIGHTS."
SOME THINGS I ATE WITH MY BIG & JUICY BRAIN
I love this piece about how Amelia Bedelia radicalized the youth, myself included. Also, that book series and The Princess Diaries were to the two sources of media that made me (someone whose full name is Amelia) like, "Okay, I guess 'Amelia' is a normal and fine name to have."
Jia Tolentino wrote a piece called Please, My Wife, She's Very Online that is encapsulates everything I feel about wifehood and the internet.
SOME THINGS I MADE FOR YOU TO EAT, PLEASE FEAST, MY FRIENDS
I wrote about how people are having sex with their AirPods in and how I am in ruins. Take out your AirPods whilst you do the dirty, you heathens.
I also wrote about a big ol' metallic mystery mass on the moon. I have dubbed the mass a Spooky Chonk™ and a NASA geologist cosigned the term on Twitter, further validating my quest to being recognized as a Woman In STEM.
Stay hungry, hun.
Mia
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