CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: Big Salad Energy
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY MOUTH
I'm a salad girl now! Exclusively for this salad. My friend Erin is to thank/blame for making me this salad and, in turn, making me write about KALE and POMEGRANATE and PUMPKIN SEEDS even though all my body craves is various CHIPS in various DIPS.
The best thing about salads is everything you put on top of them: cheese, crunchy things, oil-based vinaigrettes (um bold of that word to be spelled that way but ok?), fruit but only sometimes, salty meats. The worst thing is the often blasphemous ratio of toppings to leafy base. Every piece of kale I put into my body should be accompanied by at least one (1) cheese, crouton, and/or BacoBit as a "congrats" for eating the aforementioned kale.
This salad knows that. It understands that. It says "your body needs to eat a vegetable for once to survive," but it does it in a nice and loving way. Anyway, I'm a health food blogger now and you will treat me as such.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY EYES
An important thing to know about me is I definitely watched Life-Size 2: A Christmas Eve on Hulu this weekend. Was it good? Of course not. It was sugary trash and I gobbled up every second of it.
Reasons why you should watch it:
- Tyra Banks hair makeover montage
- Tyra wardrobe makeover montage
- Tyra wears this very good outfit I plan on spending the rest of my life recreating
- Tyra eats butter again
- Tyra refers to herself in the third person
- The climactic scene is...a lot. (SPOILER ALERT I guess, but, like, you already know what's going to happen in this movie...even if you know nothing about this movie, you know?) The scene involves a Cardi B-inspired rap performed by Tyra's character, doll-turned-sentient Eve, at an internal corporate event, which is being nationally broadcast on a CNN-like news station. It is a Mad Libs of a scene. It's like if Tim Cook did a Migos parody at the next Apple event (offensive to even say out loud). It's like if Mattel had MSNBC air their next all-employee meeting where a hologram Barbie performed this song. It is Christmas movie nonsense catered to me only.
Reasons why you shouldn't watch it:
- You want a movie with a plot that makes even a little bit of sense and aren't willing to sacrifice logic for fun outfits or nostalgia.
- You haven't seen the original.
If that final point is the case, you are contractually obligated to stop reading this newsletter and go watch it. The whole thing is probably on YouTube. The original Life-Size is ART and CULTURE and WHY YOU HAVE THIS GIF.
The original Life-Size gave us Lindsay Lohan as a jock. (Representation win!) It gave us Tyra Banks brushing Lindsay Lohan's hair. (Our collective mommy issues feel seen!!) It made us delusional with sparkly pink femininity to the point that we thought we could maybe pull off bangs. (Existential crisis in the form of a drastic haircut? Never heard of it!!!)
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY BRAIN
I know the world is very busy thinking about the big gross blood clot, but I do think now is the time to switch our cultural conversation to this study in which 6 pediatricians ate Legos and then pooped out Legos.
People! With Medical Degrees! Had to dig through! Their own poop! FOR SCIENCE!!! I wrote about it for Bustle because it was all I could think/talk about for 24 hours. Now, I pass that curse onto you.
SOMETHING FOR YOU TO EAT (pls enjoy I made it for you)
If you're looking for holiday present ideas, I wrote this Feminist Gift Guide By Ivanka Trump for Belladonna Comedy last year. Aside from the dig at newly Liberal Feminist Icon Taylor Swift (Yas Kween Girl Power!!!), most of it still applies and is probably available at a presidential administration near you!
Stay hungry.
Mia
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