CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: Cheese Is Destroying Me But What Am I To Do?
Welcome to Week 2 of CAKE FOR BREAKFAST, a newsletter in which I tell you about things I've recently consumed with my mouth, eyes, and other body parts but mostly the first two.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY MOUTH
I've gathered you here to talk about cheese boards. The thing about them is that they are good. They make good appetizers. They make good dinners. They make good post-dinner dinners after you've already eaten, are full, but are ultimately like, "Yeah, I could eat some cheese though."
This is a cutting board of cheese I made for myself, by myself, about myself. Is it objectively ugly? Yes. Does it qualify as a "cheese board"? Barely. Is it sad? Oh, on multiple levels. Is one of those levels that I'm mildly lactose intolerant and I refuse to grow or change my cheese-eating habits? No. I'm not sad about that. I'm actually fulfilled emotionally and physically by my reckless consumption of sharp white cheddars and melted bries.
Cheese culture is everywhere and everything. It is that scene in She's The Man where they talk about how liking cheese is a good topic of conversation. (Did you know Amanda Bynes INVENTED Channing Tatum after he was in a Mountain Dew commercial?) It is when Lizzie McGuire got some "cool cheese." It is the Laughing Cow's mascot (a red cow with earrings and a human woman voice) saying "we are a creamy cheese." It is me. It is you. But it is primarily me as I have eaten an offensive amount of cheese in the past week.
SOMETHING I ATE THROUGH MY PHONE
I can't stop watching this video of a little girl arguing with her dad about how to count to five. (The video is actually a few years old and I can't find the original one. So, you'll have to give your clicks to someone else's Twitter account in order to watch it.)
You may think this is simply an adorable viral video, but you'd be missing the point. It is art. It is poetry. It is my depression arguing with the rest of my brain about how actually I should feel bad about something that happened out of my control in, like, 2007. It is the remixed intro to "Mambo No. 5" I crave. It is U2's "uno, dos, tres, catorce" for the next generation.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY BRAIN/EYES/THIS ONE IS WORDS IT'S JUST WORDS TO READ
The Cut's 'I Think About This a Lot' column is a blessing and a gift to all of us. If you haven't read it, that's wrong and you're wrong. The column's most recent installment has Karen Geier talking about the time a Prince parody account tweeted at Time Warner cable to bring them a tangerine. Reading it is a holy sacrament 2 and 4 all.
SOMETHING FOR YOU TO EAT I wrote a plea to any and all girl groups to let me join their band, which went up yesterday on Little Old Lady comedy blog. cc: Fifth Harmony, Spice Girl, former Disney stars who want to revitalize their career.
You can also read my academic thesis on how if a food brand mascot wears glasses that means it's horny. cc: Chester Cheetah, Mr. Peanut, the Vlasic Pickle stork.
Sorry if that ruined your appetite forever. Try to stay hungry.
