CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: girl cheese
Ding dong, hello. Thank you for allowing me to take up space in your inbox. As a token of my appreciation, here's 500 words on grilled cheese.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY MOUTH
Monday night, I made a grilled cheese sandwich I'd fall in love with if you would just, for the love of god, let me. Here's what I did if you too would like to make mouth love to a sandwich:
Get a couple slices of Trader Joe's Multigrain bread. It's got that good crunch when toasted and has seeds and other healthy seeming thingies on the crust which I am into.
Spread one side of--and this is crucial--EACH SLICE, BABY, with this sriracha mayo. It's a copycat of Seoul Taco's sauce, something I would put in an IV if given the opportunity and resources.
Top the saucy side with torn up pieces of fresh mozzarella. The kind I used is from Trader Joe's and is called a "Mozzarella Cheese Chub" because my cheese horniness is functioning on an indiscreet level.
Also, top it will some crumbled up Unexpected Cheddar from Trader Joe's. YAS, TWO CHEESES. WERK, TWO CHEESES.
Put the other piece of bread on top. This seems obvious but I do know someone who, as a child, tried to make a grilled cheese sandwich by putting the bread cheese-side down on a pan. I will not reveal their name to protect the identity of my younger brother.
Heat the pan on a medium-low. You're gonna want to crank that bad boy up to a medium or even a medium high to hear that ~good sizzle~ but I've been told the secret to a gooey grilled cheese is "low and slow." You know it works because it rhymes.
When hot, grease your pan with some cooking spray or butter if you're freaky like that.
Put that sandy on the pan-dy.
Watch the music video for "Motivation" by Normani while you wait.
Flip when one side is crispity crunchity and golden brown or nearly black if, again, you are freaky like that.
Be patient, okay. Maybe watch the "Motivation" video again.
If your cheese isn't melting, don't turn the heat up. I know you want to but don't. Your bread will burn and your cheese with be unmelted and you will weep over your bad sandwich.
Instead, cover the pan. Preferably with a lid that is meant to function as a cover, but if you, like me, don't know where that even is, you can cover it with a big boy cutting board.
While you wait some more, assemble whatever you will be dipping your grilled cheese into.
Yes, you must dip even though the grilled cheese is good and delicious on its own.
I dipped it in this thai carrot and sweet potato soup that I just can't quit. You can dip it in more sriracha mayo if you want. No one will stop you. I also am pro-ketchup as a grilled cheese dip. If you are anti-ketchup that's fine but you're wrong.
Cut your finished sandwich on a diagonal unless you're a cop.
Revel in the glory of your grilled cheese like "yummy wow this shouldn't be allowed."
Yes, my body is still sensitive to lactose. Yes, I still refuse to grow or change.
SOME THINGS I ATE WITH MY EYES As my body's been recovering from my Adventures In Kidney Infections, I've used this as an opportunity to watch every show that exists. Here are brief and mostly uninformative reviews of a few of the things I've been watching. No, this is not all of the things I've been watching, but you don't need my synopses of "ASMR: One Hour of Scratching and Tapping On Cardboard (NO TALKING)" or my seventh time through Schitt's Creek.
Bachelor In Paradise
This is the kind of trash my brain craves. Riley and I spend the majority of every episode arguing whether Derek is hot or not. (He is. He looks like if John Krasinski and Kristoff from Frozen had a hot Reality Show son. I will accept no other answers.) Tayshia is so hot it's distracting and so put-together in a reality TV way I am not entirely convinced she isn't a plant from the producers. I think ABC is trying to be ~*very cool and chill*~ about Demi while very obviously capitalizing on her sexuality. It feels like the reality TV equivalent to performative allyship. But also, one of the biggest franchises on primetime television is showing two women in a romantic relationship. Everything is good and bad and both.
The Sinner
Jessica Biel does a murder in season 1!!! Carrie Coon does good acting in season 2!!! If you ooky spooky crime shows that are like "hmm why this person do a bad thing hmm" this series is for you. Feel free to skip to season 2 if you don't want to spend eight episodes trying to forget the fact that Jessica Biel was recently seen lobbying with a prominent anti-vaxxer 8-)
Mindhunter Season 2
This is the Netflix show where Jonathan Groff is in the FBI interviewing people who have committed multiple murders AKA serial killers. It's loosely based on former FBI agent who profiled criminals like Ted Bundy and Charles Manson. There is a psychologist named Wendy Carr who looks alarmingly like Cate Blanchett. This has little to do with the series but also explains a lot, you know?
Derry Girls
I watched the second season of this show in an alarmingly short amount of time. Like, maaaybe over the course of two days if I'm lying to you and also myself. It follows a group of Irish high school girls (and one English boy) during the 1990s, while the Northern Ireland conflict was occurring. It's stupid and silly and sometimes serious and I do watch it with captions. If you need something quick and shamelessly girly and yummy to watch, this is for you.
Bon Appetit's Gourmet Makes Series on YouTube
Claire Saffitz is a national treasure and the last one minute and thirty seconds of the Gourmet Pop-Tarts video is why.
Lizzo on the VMA's
She is good as hell.
Anyway, my brain is goo now.
SOME THINGS I ATE WITH MY EARS - This "This American Life" interview with former Bachelor Colton Underwood. He talks about The Fence Jump and how he literally had to rank girls on the show. Even if you are not Bachelor/ette trash, it is worth 16-ish minutes of your time.
- The song "Body Count" by Jessie Reyez featuring Kehlani and Normani. It's over a year old and is an underrated banger.
- This old episode of My Brother, My Brother, and Me called "Horse Bonology." It still makes me laugh even though I have listened to it no less than ten times. Also, it gave the world this wonderful piece of farm wisdom: If you crack an egg into a bowl it's still an egg.
SOMETHING I MADE FOR YOU TO EAT I wrote about the Big Fish Tube and Four Loko Hard Seltzer for Bustle. Please enjoy that Extremely Online content. Stay hungry, babie hunie sweetie babie.
Mia
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