CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: i am wine drunk on a tuesday teehee
I keep doing the thing where I mean for these to be weekly-ish and then they end up being monthly. Is that a thing you like? Do you hate it? Are you searching for the "unsubscribe" button as I type? I know your inbox is sacred space and want to be respectful of that. Is that just an excuse for me to not write this as frequently? All of the above? For real, if you want to let me know how often you like reading these newsletters, I would love to know. Just hit reply and type "never" or send me an email separately that says "never" or berate me on Twitter or shout loudly into the void. I will feel your response emotionally regardless.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY MOUTH My cousin made a Thanksgiving meal that should have been illegal because it was so delicious. I have been eating leftover herb and croissant stuffing for the past seven meals and my body is mostly herby butter just as the food lords intended. Also, I had a vegetarian Gardein holiday roast with my friend/sister-wife's family and wowie babie science can make a mean fake meat. Unfortunately, none of these are the good and perfect food I need to talk about.
I need to tell you about how I ate a Crunchwrap Supreme from Taco Bell for the first time recently. Long story short: I get the hype. It's just a tostada inside a big boi tortilla and somehow that combination is better than its individual components. Drunk Taco Bell is as close to a spiritual experience as I've ever had and the Crunchwrap Supreme is my holy trinity. (The tortilla is the father. The tostada is the son. And vodka sodas are the holy spirit.)
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY FAT A$$ WALLET Here is a poem about some things I purchased recently. It's called "I Bought Eight Candles."
I bought eight candles. I bought eight candles.
I! Bought! Eight! Candles!!!!!!!!!
I
bought
~ e i g h t ~
candles
?
!
This newsletter is now a Bath & Body Works fan account. It's well-documented how much I love Bath & Body Works. Their scents range from "sexual baked good" to "sleepy sleepy bath time" to "middle school boy but make it candle." I love them all. I am suburban consumerist trash and I refuse to apologize, grow, or change. My current favorite smells are Into The Night (wine + musk + how I think Helen Mirren Smells), Black Tie (like the censored version of "Suit and Tie" by Justin Timberlake/Jay-Z), and Kalidescope (Taylor Swift's current era plus my feeling about Taylor Swift seemingly co-opting gay culture). Please send help and candle coupons.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY JUICY LIL EYE BALLZ Riley subscribed to Disney+ to watch Baby Yoda (aka The Mandalorian). I am okay with this subscription because 1) Lizzie McGuire 2) forthcoming Lizzie McGuire reboot and 3) High School Musical: The Musical: The Series.
Guys, the series is funny. It's self-aware in the best ways and extremely Disney Channel in the best-worst (worst-best?) ways. It has teens! Played by teens! Who can sing!!! I have audibly laughed at it multiple times. If you're looking for something to binge while trying to avoid your racist uncle this holiday season, enjoy.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY BIG HUGE GALAXY BRAIN I am legitimately too dumb and tipsy to have any coherent analysis on other people's writing. (I am writing this Tuesday night. Please do not worry that I am drunk on a Wednesday morning.) So here is a baby listicle, u lil buzzfeed skanks:
This excerpt from Jenny Slate's new book
This piece by Emmeline Cline on disassociative feminism
This Jia Tolentino essay on sassy wine mom merch
Also, have you bought Riane Konc's book yet? It's called "Build Your Own Holiday Movie Romance" and it's everything you love and love to hate about corny Christmas Hallmark movies. Riane is one of the funniest writers I know and I can't believe I know her in real life. She kindly let me ask her questions at book events in Illinois and I have the pictures to prove it. Her book is the perfect holiday gift or holiday distraction when you want to be like, "Hey family, let's all read a book together instead of trying to ignore our relatives' bad ideas about immigrants."
SOMETHING I MADE FOR YOU TO EAT Friends! The writing part of my book is done! Like, done done!!! To celebrate, here are random pieces I've written recently and not recently.
For Bustle: short podcasts for when you have headphones on in at a bus stop
For Bustle: I wrote about the Eggo Waffle Cereal which has actually gotten my garbage brain worms to want to eat breakfast
For Weekly Humorist: 'Tis The Season For Eating Decorative Pine Cones and Falling On Ice
For The New Yorker: Literal Writing Exercises co-written with one of Earth's best humans Irving Ruan
Also, I STILL WROTE A BOOK. Please prepare your bodies for book promo content accordingly.
For the love of Crunchwrap Supreme, stay hungry
Mia
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