CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: I Lied To You About The Salad
Something I Ate With My Mouth
Remember last week when I was like, "Hi! It's me! Salad Girl! I love greens now!!!"? Well, I entirely forgot about the fact that just three days prior, I drunkenly ate a Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco for the first time. It was fake cheese-y. It was fake beefy. It was an abomination to the word "taco" and exactly what my nasty garbage soul craved. Here is the drunken text I sent to my husband from across the table, asking him to enable my nasty garbage self.
I present this series of three text messages with zero context as the drunk lord intended. There was no context for me wanting Taco Bell aside from being drunk and wanting Taco Bell. (Updates: I did practice my impression of "them" in the car. "Them" being the bluegrass band we were watching. The impression was very spot on according to me only. Never figured out if the bassist has an iPhone 4.)
And so, Riley drove my drunk self to the Taco Bell drive-thru, raw as hell. Because I, like Fergie, don't care and am still real, no matter how many records I sell (zero).
Until I discovered it in my camera roll a couple days later, I forgot I took this picture of us waiting in the drive-thru. My body did not forget for even one second that I ate Taco Bell at midnight.
Something Nobody Should Ever Eat This Way But My Husband Thinks You Should
My husband Riley and I have very different food habits. He eats the same thing for breakfast every day (a bowl of oatmeal squares cereal in almond milk). My breakfasts in the last four days have varied from coffee to Christmas chocolates to nothing to day-old salad. Today, Riley BERATED me for eating string cheese by peeling it apart into individual string chunks and eating the chunks. I said, "Why do you think it's called 'string cheese' if you aren't supposed to eat it this way?" He said, "I think the name is just making the best out of a manufacturing flaw."
Then, he proceeded to tell me he eats string cheese by BITING INTO THE END like it's a goddamn PEELED BANANA or something. So, please look for our reality show coming soon called True Life: I'm Trying To Divorce The Demon Disguised As A Human I Accidentally Married.
If you would like to assist me in dunking on my husband, please fill out this brief but important survey on how you eat string cheese.
Something I Ate With My Eyes/Ears/Emotions
If you want to have a good laugh and cry and cry-laugh and laugh-cry, feast your eyes on writer Shirley Wang's story about her dad's friendship with Charles Barkley. Better yet, listen to Wang tell the story herself in NPR's audio version of the piece.
Something For You To Eat
I hope you came hungry to today's newsletter because I have prepared a few things over the last week for you to eat with your eyeballs and brains!
What Does It Mean When A Girl Is Quiet? (Funny Women, The Rumpus): Queen Editor Supreme Elissa Bassist picked this piece I wrote for her Funny Women column earlier this year as one of The Rumpus Staff Picks for 2018. End-of-year lists mean nothing and don't matter except for when I am on them.
The World Is a Scary Place But I Know How to Fix It (New Yorker): This is a piece about how if there's something strange in your neighborhood, please don't call me because I am easily frightened.
'Tis The Season For Eating Decorative Pine Cones And Falling On Ice (Weekly Humorist): This is a piece about how I love wintertime because the snow is falling and so am I because I refuse to wear sensible winter footwear!
Stay hungry.
Mia