CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: luv u mean it
Congrats to me on taking yet another unintended hiatus from this newsletter for no reason. I am very brave for not doing a thing! Productivity is a capitalist curse! I deserve to watch endless hours of Bon Appetit videos instead of doing something related to my job!!! Okay, let's eat, baby.
SOME THINGS I ATE WITH MY MOUTH
The Super Bowl rekindled my love of Taco Dip. (Though I have little to no investment in football aside from shouting stats about traumatic brain injuries and screaming COLIN KAEPERNICK— I am fun!!!— I am deeply invested in food-heavy events.) Not to overstate my love of taco dip, but it is a dip I would commit felonies for. Here's my recipe, which is probably like every other recipe except I don't make you read a story at the beginning that's like "My husband and 4 sons can't get enough of this stuff! It's the only way I get them to eat anything remotely resembling a vegetable! I haven't left my house in three weeks!!!":
Soften a brick of cream cheese. Yes, the whole brick even if you're only making it for yourself. It is what the dip lords require.
Add 8-ish oz of plain greek yogurt or sour cream, depending on your taste and what you have on hand.
Add in a packet of taco seasoning. I don't care if you're like "ahh too spicy." Add the whole packet.
Mix these into a spicy, dairy spread that will ruin your body. Transfer that spread into some sort of plate or dish or trough in an even layer.
Top with salsa, shredded lettuce, shredded cheese, tomatoes, onions, black olives (DON'T U DARE LEAVE THEM OFF), and maybe jalapenos if you want. Add them in that order. If you don't, I'll know.
Eat with the tiny round Tostitos. They are the best Tostitos. That is a hill I will die on.
Continue eating until it's gone and you are more taco dip than human.
For the highbrow crowd, I also accidentally made a very fancy dinner for myself recently by combining ravioli, skinny lil green beans, truffle butter (lol), goat cheese, and sweet and spicy pecans. Yes, all of the ingredients were from Trader Joe's. Yes, I am a parody of myself at this point
SOME THINGS I ATE WITH MY EYES
I have watched too many things in too short a time. Here are my one-sentence reviews on some of those things:
Taylor Swift's Miss Americana was fine, underwhelming, and more manufactured than I would have hoped but you do see her cry about politics which was...fun?
The Bachelor is trash and I am trash and the only good person left I like even a little bit is host Chris Harrison and that's a stretch.
The Outsider on HBO is spooky and has Cynthia Erivo giving you private detective perfection.
I also watched all of The Stranger on Netflix in, like, a week because I have a disease that can only be treated with soapy British crime dramas.
If you think I've stopped watching TikToks, you're wrong and don't know me at all.
SOME PEOPLE I HAVE ENVELOPED WITH MY HEART AND SOUL
What if, instead of ever writing a full sentence ever again, I just make lists? Are you there News Media Gods? It's me, a weary writer.
Megan Stalter is a comedian whose name you should know and whose lil ass you should be worshiping. Google her already.
R. Eric Thomas is a writer who just came out with a book called Here for It, which you should go order ASAP
Rosanna Stevens just launched her podcast The Antidote with Belladonna Comedy. My only complaint is that Rosie doesn't live stateside and can't come have coffee and talk to me in person every day.
My new baby niece Phoebe who is perfect and HER NAME IS PHOEBE OMG KILL ME
SOME THINGS I ATE WITH MY FAT A$$ WALLET TEEHEE
I know perfume was created by Big Smell to make me think my natural body scent is bad, but I still enjoy buying spritzes and mists that make me smell like a musky, forest woman. Lately, I've been very into Firework by Good Chemistry. Also, if it isn't abundantly clear, I am in no way paid to promote these things. My lukewarm takes and mediocre suggestions cannot be bought.
Riley also got me a weighted blanket for Christmas/my seasonal depression. I recommend pairing yours with a therapy lightbox you blast into your pores and a small dog named Ava who whines when you look away from her.
SOMETHING I'VE BEEN EATING FURIOUSLY IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
My sister and her boyfriend came to visit recently and got me hooked on the drug that is Rummikub. It's basically the board game version of rummy, but I learned that there is also an online version of Rummikub. I have indeed spent all of my free time playing Rummikub online with strangers. Aside from absolutely destroying middle-aged adults in Russia at this game, the best part of Rummikub online is that you get to pick your username. I have gone by such monikers as Parmesan, Beef beef beef, Sam's Club, Henry Cavill, and Armie Hammer. Unfortunately, nothing is funnier to me than the idea of Armie Hammer playing Rummikub online at 1 in the morning.
SOME THINGS I'VE MADE FOR YOU TO EAT
I wrote about an award show I'd actually watch for The Lily. I have a piece about hangovers in the March 2020 issue of Men's Journal. Also, I've got a piece with comedy sweetie Irving Ruan and illustrator extraordinaire Avi Steinberg coming out with The New Yorker in the next couple weeks, if you wanna keep one of your free online reads saved for that.
Also! My book, Weird but Normal, was named one of Ms. Magazine's books to read in 2020. You can preorder it here.
Stay hungry, okay?!
Mia