CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: my brain is purely decorative

Breakfast is at noon now. Lunch happens at 4 p.m. And dinner happens constantly between 5 p.m. and until I go to sleep. All I ask is that you obey these rules, don't question them, and tell me I am fine and good for sleeping all day when I have no obligations. Is that so much to ask???????!
  SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY MOUTH My self-isolation meals fall into two categories: Homemade Cuisine Extravaganza and Chaos Snacks. Last week I made carrot and sweet potato soup with bomb ass grilled cheese, some pizza-garlic bread hybrid with homemade marinara, and a chili built for the gods. I also ate tortilla chips for a whole day, a meal that was basically one can of black olives, a dinner entirely of goldfish crackers, and toast with peanut butter paired with long naps. I am either firing on all cylinders or puttering down the road on a single busted Heely.
  SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY EYES I watched all of Netflix's "Too Hot To Handle" in three days because I am exactly the person you think I am. It is pure trash that I don't know is even worthy of calling "good-bad." The premise is buck wild: a group of hot strangers are put on an island for a month and told "no sex, no kissing, no dingling your own dangle." If they break the rules—shock gasp they definitely break the rules—a fine is taken from the $100,000 prize money. We learn kissing costs $3,000. Full-on sex costs $20,000. A beej in the middle of the night costs $6,000 (the value system is confusing).

The show is hilariously unclear. Producers try to make things interesting by giving contestants watches that light up, allotting them a few fleeting moments of rule-breaking. It's like The Purge but horny. The watches are utilized, like, three times and you can tell the contestants have passed the point of giving a fuck. The series was definitely supposed to be called "The Retreat" because contestants keep talking about how "I've learned so much at The Retreat" and "The Retreat is really going to test me" and "I can't wait to see what Instagram brand deals I get after I leave The Retreat." It's very bad and you should absolutely watch it.
  SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY FINGIES If you noticed something different about me, that's because I'm a gamer now. All I do is play Mario Kart, think about Mario Kart, beg Riley and Ana to play me in Mario Kart, and shit and cry. My game strategy is to make the exact same vehicle as Riley and only scream a little when the computers hurt my feelings. If I don't play as my Mii avatar (she's perpetually frowning), I play as Rosalina or Rose Gold Peach. Their little celebratory WOOHOOs where they put their arm in the air is the level of pageantry I require at all times. Also, Rose Gold Peach is a princess MADE OF METAL. I love my perfect metal wife.

My thoughts on some of the characters:
- Wario: misunderstood
- Waluigi: horny and keeps trying to flirt with me
- Mario and Luigi: overrated, overdone, don't have the range
- Metal Mario: store-brand version of my Rose Gold Peach
- Toad: an adult baby
- Bowser: also keeps trying to flirt with me
- Dry Bowser: a hate crime against me specifically
- Yoshi: wears shoes but not clothes???

You can find me Tokyo drifting down Rainbow Road until I inevitably grow bored and go back to playing Candy Crush at 2 a.m. SOMETHING I MADE FOR YOU TO EAT In this strange and unprecedented time, my book is available for preorder. That yummy yummy cover illustrated is by my biological twin Kelly Castor. I'll be sharing sneaky peeks at the book in the coming weeks so stay tuned! Oooh, this a ooky spooky mystery newsletter now!
  Stay hungry and healthy and in your gd homes.

Mia
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