CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: okay fine i watched Cats
If you're wondering how quarantine is going for me, I had to take a nap after my nap today. Anyway, let's eat.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY MOUTH
A thing about me is I really like dijon mustard now. I like that it sounds fancy. I like that its flavor is "burn your nose hairs but make it a condiment." I like that it feels healthy to eat even though mustard is probably the most dietary neutral of foods. I'm not going to die from eating too much mustard—please do not correct me if this is wrong I do not wish to learn or grow or change—but it's also probably not, like, nutrient-rich. What the fuck even is mustard? I know it's a seed but...then what happens. How does she go from a seed to a stinky goop? Is she born spicy or did she learn it from a friend? Okay, I googled it and the main side effect of eating too much mustard is diarrhea but isn't that the side effect of eating too much of any food? Anyway, it makes my breath smells like absolute dookie which I see as a plus.
I've been making these Crunchy Honey Mustard Tofu Thingies with my gorgeous lil jar of dijon. They are an invention I am pretending I made up even though I'm sure many similar recipes exist on the internet. Elon Musk who?!? Here's how I make them f you would like to join me on this mustard journey:
Mix dijon mustard with honey and maybe another mustard if that's too potent. I use this whole grain mustard I got from Trader Joe's. Mixie mixie and ooh la la now she's honey mustard. I also add a little splash of hot water so the honey melts a little and the mix isn't super thicc.
Get another bowl and dump some panko bread crumbs in there. Add a seasoning like garlic or onion powder. Also add black pepper. I don't know if you can even taste the pepper but it feels illegal to not add black pepper. Now you have your dredging and breading stations.
Slice up your tofu into your preferred nugget-y size. I'm sure this would also be delicious with chicken if that's your thing. My sneaky lil secret for good ass tofu: freeze your tofu when you bring it home. Once that baby is rock solid, let it thaw in the fridge. I don't know the science behind it, but when you freeze and then thaw tofu, its texture gets chewier and better. (Is chewy a good adjective for tofu? Whatever, it just tastes better when you do this.) When the tofu is thawed, squish out as much water as possible. I go until I get bored and wanna die.
Dunk each tofu nugg into the honey mustard mix and then coat in the panko mix
Bake it at 425 for 20-25ish minutes flipping halfway through. Use parchment paper if you don't want to ruin a baking sheet like I did last week.
Make more honey mustard, maybe a potato side dish of some sort, and wowie baby a meal.
I just wrote 500 words on mustard. I'm the Alison Roman now.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY EYES, MY EARS, MY WHOLE ENTIRE SOUL
I watched "Cats." I watched "Cats." I "watched" "Cats." I WATCHED "CATS"!!! I went in knowing pretty much nothing about this live-action fever dream that made Judy Dench break the fourth wall and sing the line, "A cat is not a dog." Fortunately, the plot isn't hard to follow because...there really isn't one. The musical "Cats" is about cats...and that's it. It's like someone got zooted on Ambien and said, half asleep, "What if a cat was magic and his name was, like, Mister...Mis..toffel..ees?" Is Andrew Lloyd Weber okay??? Here are some more stray thoughts as this entire musical is mostly just stray thoughts
Why cat bodies but human hands? Why cat ears but human nose? Why a fur coat over cat fur? Why Taylor Swift cat have human boobies but the Jason Derulo dick got CGI'd out? Why human lips?!?
All the cats were too small. It looked like "Honey, I Shrunk The Kids When They Were Putting On Cat Costumes." Proportions way off. Heads too small. Bodies too long.
Why do they walk on two legs sometimes and four legs other times? I need consistency in my Cats universe.
The tails made everyone look less like cats and more like monkeys.
Some cats wore shoes. Hmm.
Why does it all end with a song about how cats are not dogs like that is some kind of moral lesson?
My final and most important thought is "Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a cat so clever as magical Mr. Mistoffelees" fucken slaps.
SOMETHING I MADE FOR YOU TO EAT
In the Before Times, I got to record the audiobook for Weird but Normal. You can see some behind-the-scenes pics here and preorder my mixtape here.
Stay hungry!
Mia
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