CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: quentin quarantino
Greetings from self-isolation, where anytime is breakfast time! If you are reading this from somewhere other than your home, stop it right now. You are not big and smart and cool. Read even one article about COVID-19 and go tf home. If you are a health care worker who doesn't have that option, thank you and I'm sorry and thank you. If you are in the service industry or don't have the option to be at home, I'm sorry and stay safe and I'm sorry. If you were temporarily/indefinitely laid off by your employer because they didn't want to provide sick leave—a thing that sounds like something a fake company called Humungo Evil Corporation would do but nope lol it's just our very cool country—that is poo poo trash and I'm sorry.
If you are at home feeling helpless, consider donating to Feeding America or your local food banks. (You can google "food banks near me." I'm not ur secretary) Follow famed political scientist Ariana Grande on Twitter, where I initially learned about the bill that passed the Senate this week which expands paid sick leave. (kinda sorta? IDK there are loopholes in it that are like "teehee nonono only paid sick leave for some as a little treat) Our reality is glitching. Anyway, let's eat.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY MOUTH You know your girl has been stress-eating string cheese like my body can handle that much lactose. I also am rekindling my love of beans. Beans are good and easy and can become most anything you want them to be. I believe beans are the future, and I wrote an unfortunately prescient piece earlier this year about things you can make with beans if you need some ideas. In most important food news, I need you to know that the whipped coffee trend on TikTok is real and it works and it's good. You combine equal parts instant coffee/espresso, sugar, and hot water. Then, you whip it with a hand mixer or a stand mixer or a whisk if you're buff and want to brag about it. After 3-5 minutes, it will be a beautiful, fluffy coffee cloud that you put atop some milk and ice. Also, it must be instant or it won't work and you'll be like "...i just mixed this lukewarm coffee soup for no reason." It is simple and feels fancy—the exact two things you need right now.
SOME THINGS I ATE WITH MY EYES It would be humiliating for you and me to list all the things I've watched in the past couple weeks. Here are some highlights:
Beyond Belief, Fact or Fiction: a 90s anthology series where they tell a handful of stories (with primo, overdramatic reenactments) and you have to guess whether the story is real or made up. It's also where this meme comes from.
Penguin Live Streams from the zoo. Also, the Shedd Aquarium let their penguins roam around the zoo and I'm crying???
Gossip Girl on Netflix: lol if you think this show holds up even a little bit. The dialogue is bonkers. The acting is buck wild. Chuck Bass's whole identity is...he assaults people?!? I have to scream out loud during every other scene because I can't deal with Blake Lively's voice which, like NYC, is a character on the show. Then, I have to scream some more because Taylor Momsen is in the show and I can't get over how she was Cindy Lou Who.
TikToks of people impersonating this TikTok bartender. oneTWOthreeFOUR.
TikToks of people impersonating a TikTok keto account. nO sUgaRR!!!!!
Any TikTok where children are teaching their parents TikTok Dances. Throw it back, midwestern parents!!!
Every Bon Appetit video I can get my grubby lil fingies on
Little Fires Everywhere on Hulu: a book but make it tv!
Catherine Cohen's Cabernet Cabaret Instagram Live.
I don't know if I love or hate the rapid influx of Instagram Live streams. Do I want to hear Vanessa Hudgens' bad opinions? Obviously. Do I want to see Chrissy Teigen sit in a towel while John Legend plays the piano? Of course. Do I enjoy feeling like I'm eavesdropping on conversations between famous people when they both go live together? Yes. Hmm wow yeah, I guess there are zero cons to people doing Instagram Lives.
SOME THINGS I ATE WITH MY EARS You need to listen to this episode of the podcast Reply All called The Case of the Missing Hit. It's about a guy who has a song stuck in his head and he can't figure out what the song is and no one else recognizes the song. It is the piece of culture we should put in a time capsule of 2020 with the note "this is what 2020 was like nothing else happened it was all fine."
SOMETHING I MADE FOR YOU TO EAT I co-wrote a piece in the New Yorker about emotional first-aid kits with Good Comedy Boys Irving Ruan and Avi Steinberg.
How does everyone all of a sudden know what Zoom is? I had to Google it to write this piece for Bustle about things you learn about your coworkers while Zoom video conferencing. I have never used Zoom even once and, in that sense, I am now a professional fiction writer.
Have you forgotten that I have a book coming out May? I still have a book coming out in May. Let me know if you preordered it! Please! My garbage brain needs it! When you do, I will send you one (1) picture of Ava as a thank you.
Stay healthy and hungry and, for the love of Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, wash your hands. Mia
Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Blog, Mom And Babies Are Doing Well