CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: return of the cake (it's me. i'm the cake)
I have been trying to write this newsletter for the past month, but every time I start my brain goes, "hmm but what if we—hear me out—didn't." So, instead, I will take naps or read bad tweets or write bad tweets or stare at my dog or look at an email or do anything other than writing this newsletter, a thing that requires so little of me and yet I will avoid like it is my greatest responsibility. lol can you believe people think i should have a child?
SOME THINGS I ATE WITH MY MOUTH
Because eating is one of the few things I have managed to do regularly and not procrastinate—brag!—I will give you an abbreviated list of some things I've been shoveling into my mouth with reckless abandon this past month:
I have been absolutely blasting my body with nitro cold brew. While delicious and smooth, I would not recommend unless you want the coffeeshop bathroom to become your closest, most intimate friend.
I made sweet potato nacho fries and somehow still have not received a Nobel Peace Prize for this accomplishment. The recipe goes like this: make baked sweet potato wedges (just chop up a potato and bake it until it is...done), then top wedges with cheese, tomatoes, jalapenos, maybe some black beans, spicy pecans, your biggest regrets, your deepest fears, bake for like 10 minutes at 375ish, finally add greek yogurt and salsa and guac and enjoy. If I took a picture of these fries, I would have hung it up next to my diploma.
Tortilla chips. Ya girl loves tortilla chips. I haven't even been dipping them in anything, just eatin em raw, so you know the love is real.
I made these chocolate chip cookies because I wanted to and felt like it and wow, can you believe it, those two things alone will drive you to make cookies at 8:30 at night. I added an extra egg because my dough was very dry but maybe your dough will be moist. Please don't tell me if this is the case as my dough will feel shame.
SOME THINGS I ATE WITH MY EYES
A couple weeks ago, I watched Beetlejuice for the first time in my life. If you're going to watch Beetlejuice for the first time, I highly recommend doing it with my friends Camden and Margaret, who are human angels that the world (and I, specifically) do not deserve. I also recommend being ~inebriated~. Some stray thoughts:
Despite what I'd thought my whole life, Christopher Lloyd is not in the movie. It is Michael Keaton in a wig. Should I be a movie critic yes or yes?
This is a horny movie and everyone who loves it is a perv. Calm down, this is a compliment.
If my blasted brain understood correctly, Beetlejuice wants to marry Lydia??? An actual child?!???! Help????!
I did think the movie was directed by—say it with me—Tim Curry because I, a 29-year-old person, just realized that Tim Curry and Tim Burton are not—say it with me—the same person.
Catherine O'Hara. That's it. That's the tweet.
I said "this is buck wild" no less than 17 times. That phrase is my four-word review of the movie.
Aside from watching other people's childhood classics for the first time and absolutely ruining them, my favorite form of cinema is rewatching interviews of people I love on talk shows. (Is that a personality trait?) The whole process is often strange and uncomfortable and I like when those people talk about how strange and uncomfortable it is. Here are a few interviews I've been injecting straight into my veins:
Rapper Noname was on The Daily Show talking about her book club
Comedian Jacqueline Novak on Seth Meyers whose talk show chair work is excellent
Ray of sunshine Jenny Slate on Seth Meyers talking about her favorite internet things. It's almost as good as this old interview of Jenny Slate where she talks about not knowing what astronomy was. If you haven't watched her Netflix special Stage Fright that's a problem I'm gonna need you to solve asap.
SOME THINGS I ATE WITH MY BIG BOI GALAXY BRAIN
I still can't stop watching TikToks. My brain is mashed potatoes which, if you think about it, is actually very seasonal. I also can't stop reading things about TikTok like this Wired piece on how TikTok didn't have timestamps. In other words, you couldn't tell whether the video you were watching was from 5 minutes or 5 months ago, a strange phenomenon in the context of an internet with zero attention span. Unfortunately/fortunately, TikTok does have timestamps now.
Halloween is over but that doesn't mean you have to stop having strong opinions on which candies are the best. Kelly Conaboy, a writer who if you don't know that is a big mistake big huge, ranked "all" the candy. Feel attacked accordingly.
Writer and lovely person Rosanna Stevens recently shared with me this 2014 piece she wrote called, "Feel My Heartbeat: Childhood, Wedgewood, and Coming Out." It has this wonderful line I can't stop thinking about which I will present to you with no context: "First comes soup, next comes pissing to make a baby."
SOME THINGS I MADE FOR YOU TO EAT
For Bustle, I wrote about this loud ass bird that screams at females to flirt with them. I interviewed Marie from Disney's Halloweentown about her Etsy shop (haha what?). I talked about some of the podcasts I am obsessed with. And I wrote a digital ode to this big, big Snoopy lawn inflatable. I minored in journalism!!!
I also wrote about Haunted Houses Based On My Actual Fears for Washington Post's The Lily. Some jokes that got cut because they were too horrifying (read: stupid) for the Washington Post:
Someone jumps out in a dark hallway and you let out a scream-fart so hard you pass out
The editor changed "taking a dump" to "doing a number two" in the piece, and it's always funny to see which poop euphemisms are allowed and which aren't.
I initially described the car at the end of the piece as "a Hummer with two pairs of truck nuts" but the editor cut out both truck nuts. This is understandable.
Stay hungry, hunny babby sweatie babie
Mia
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