CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: the rumors are true

I must acknowledge the elephant in the room: I did have a tweet go very mildly viral this week. I HAVE let it change my whole personality and WILL BE updating my resume accordingly. I AM choosing to ignore the fact that the tweet has much more to do with the dog video than it does the VERY GOOD AND COMPLETELY ORIGINAL caption I added to it. Please for the love of god DO NOT respect my privacy during this time.
  SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY MOUTH At the moment, my body is mostly Trader Joe's Garlic Spread. (That link just goes to the Google image results for "trader joe's garlic spread." I am very busy refreshing my Viral Tweet and don't have time to include better links.) My meticulous process for eating the dip starts like this: I grab as many wet baby carrots as I can fit in my hand and put those on a plate. I dip the carrots into the garlic spread while congratulating myself for eating a vegetable for once. Once I get through all of those, I reward myself with so many crackers it should be illegal. My plate becomes only crackers. I continue to dip the crackers into the spread until my pores sweat garlic. Then, I dip the crackers in that.

Also, I can't stop eating green olives. I only recently realized how much I like green olives. They look like lil eyeballs and that makes me like them more. They are so good and so salty it feels like the olives are trying to kill me. This is how I know the olives love me back. You always hurt the ones you love.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY EYES I finished PEN15 and plan to only think about PEN15 for the R of my L. (rest of my liiiiiiiiiiiiife!) All of the episodes are good and perfect - there's an entire episode dedicated to wearing a thong for the first time that I didn't stop screaming during - but the episode that murdered me to death was 'Posh.' It so, so perfectly captures the kind of racial microaggressions and macroaggressions and other cutesy words for just straight-up racism that have been so deeply embedded in my brain. The characters handle everything in a way that is extremely real and quiet and painful and accurate. In lieu of a full recap, just watch the episode and imagine me running around your place of residence screaming at all the good and uncomfortable parts.
  SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY TIDDIES LOL JK MY BRAIN (WHICH IS WHERE MY TIDDIES ARE) The Cut's most recent installment of their column Sex Diaries is...truly bonkers. This week, a 45-year-old woman who lives on the Upper East Side talked about how rich she is and how rich people bring two nannies to playdates and how she has a trainer come to her house to work out four times a week and how she and her husband have sex EVERY DAY. ALL THE DAYS. She says that when they first met, her husband said he was "very sexual and that he'd only marry someone who could keep up." If you heard something, that was just me scream laughing from the top of a mountain. We, the readers, do learn that (spoiler!!!) there are exceptions to that sex rule: she gets the flu and they don't fuck. How kind! How generous! What a feminist win!!!!!!!! I wish she would have written this the week she was on her period.   SOMETHING I MADE FOR YOU TO EAT If you couldn't get horny in time for Valentine's Day, please refer to this list of aphrodisiacs to get you real horned up in no time I wrote last year for Weekly Humorist.

While recently turning down an invitation to be interviewed on CNN (no further questions), I was recently reminded of this piece I wrote for Bustle about dick pics. I still stand by all the alternative phrases I used for "dick pic" like "dickture picture" and scrotal SnapChat and would like to add "frenulum photo" and "peepee portrait" to the vocab list. I would also like to add that in an alternate universe, I am a cable news talking head that only speaks on dick pics. Again, NO FURTHER QUESTIONS.
  Stay hungry, u skanks.

Mia

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