CAKE FOR BREAKFAST: when will dave coulier reimburse me for my student loans

You may have noticed I skipped last week's newsletter. This is because I wanted to and I felt like it. I'm sorry if that hurts your feelings or made your inbox more disappointing (a bold assertion on my part). However, this content is free and sometimes I like to not do things I know I should do. I hope you spent whatever time you usually take reading this email doing something delicious and fun. If you didn't, please do that now. I will wait.
  SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY MOUTH COO-KIE! BUT-TER! Clap, clap, clapclapclap! The woman behind me in the Trader Joe's line said, "What's cookie butter?" and I responded, "Life changing." And her expression, like her life, remained unchanged. If you, like the joyless Trader Joe's customer, do not know what cookie butter is, oh baby, hold on to your tiddies. Perhaps you will be more excited about the prospect of a spreadable "butter" (a la peanut butter) that's made with crushed up gingerbread-like cookies. You can eat it on graham crackers. You can eat in with a spoon, which I am doing right now. You can stick your finger in it, which is what the Trader Joe's cashier suggested and she didn't even wink at me or anything. There is a palpable sexual tension in Trader Joe's. It's probably because everyone is so horned up about the cookie butter.
  SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY EYES SHRILL SHRILL SHRILL SHRILL. All I want is to talk about the new Hulu show Shrill. It has everything: Lindy West's writing and wit and brain, Patti Harrison giving you dumb perfect hot secretary, Aidy Bryant delivering lines as only Aidy Bryant could, an episode written by my lord and savior Samantha Irby, JOEL KIM BOOSTER BEING THE HOT BOYFRIEND OF YOUR DREAMS. If me shouting lists doesn't convince you, you can read The Cut's profile on Lindy West or listen to Aidy Bryant on Fresh Air. Then you will realize that this show is very good and you should be using your ex-boyfriend's cousin's roommate's parent's Hulu account to watch it right now.  
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY FINGERS THAT WASN'T COOKIE BUTTER A large part of my personality is being good at word puzzles. If you think that isn't a personality, you are correct but I still refuse to develop one. Last week, Riley introduced me to Parallanagram because true love is real. I have since spent most of my waking hours playing Parallanagram, thinking about Parallanagram, or doing things I have to do and ultimately rewarding myself by playing Parallanagram.

The goal of the Parallanagram is to unscramble the words presented to you and also to avoid whatever it is you should be spending your time doing. You do this by moving your arrow keys and selecting a letter with the spacebar. The twist (pause for dramatic effect) is that you're unscrambling multiple words simultaneously. You can't play on your phone which is the only downside as well as the only thing keeping me from playing it all day every day until I die.
SOMETHING I ATE WITH MY MIND/INJECTED STRAIGHT INTO MY VEINS I can't stop reading about the college admissions scandal. It is the delicious rich people garbage I crave. Felicity Huffman saying "Ruh roh!" Lori Loughlin and Mossimo Giannulli pretending to get their daughter on the rowing team by taking pictures on an indoor rowing machine! William H. Macy simply being referred to as "spouse"! If you want a quick summary, this New Yorker piece by Naomi Fry is yummy and good. Also, fun fact: at the beginning of Eighth Grade, Kayla watches an Olivia Jade make-up tutorial. A fun fact about me is I spent multiple hours binge-watching Olivia Jade's YouTube videos long before this recent news even broke. 20-minute videos of teens with good skin and so much money getting ready for a college party is a drug to me.

As a palate cleanser, please enjoy this very good Twitter thread by JuanPa about the dogs and cat he found knocking at his apartment door this weekend. There's mystery! There's intrigue! There's dogs who know how to open a door!!!
SOMETHING I MADE FOR YOU TO EAT If you're wondering if I ever use any of the information I learned as a journalism minor in college, the answer is I wrote about this glittery straw the size of a wine bottle for Bustle.
  Stay hungry!!!!!?    

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