Some personal news...

"Love is so short, forgetting is so long" — Pablo Neruda

Last night, I spilled a big glass of Diet Coke. Everyone everywhere was so excited for me to have a big glass of Diet Coke, but I spilled it, thwarting my opportunity to drink the big glass of Diet Coke. Sources say this is devastating because I really wanted to be drinking it.

I drink Diet Coke like someone who smokes socially: I really only have one—fine, three if I’m at someone else’s house and they’re offering. Or I’m out and don’t feel like drinking but need to feel…SOMETHING?? What I’m saying is, there is use in crying over my spilled Diet Coke. I didn’t cry because I’m healed, but you can. Should? Must! Are you crying yet? Okay, good.

Smash cut to me, in my kitchen, knocking over my Diet Coke with a literal bunch of bananas. A visual metaphor, if you will. I won’t—it’s too soon—but you can if you want to, don’t let me get in your way. Also, I’m not proselytizing about the Diet Coke, alright? This isn’t meant to make you do anything. I have smoked but one (1) cigarette in my life. I love writing sentences no one has written before or whatever Caroline Calloway said.

Did you know soda takes so long to clean up? At least when you spill it the way I did: everywhere, quickly, all at once. And why aren’t dish towels good at absorbing liquid?? I know I am not alone here. I’m making excuses because I ended up using a lot of paper towels. So much. Too much. It’s important that I take accountability for the amount of paper towel I used, but not as important as how good it would have felt to be drinking the Diet Coke. I concocted a different drink to make up for it, but it wasn’t the same. Like a desperate mouthful of chocolate chips for dessert because at least that’s something.

I started with fancy cherries because we happen to have fancy cherries. The fancy cherries are maybe Luxardo or maybe not. I don’t know if Luxardo is a brand or the style in which they make the cherries. No time to Google. Too fucked up about the Diet Coke. Anyway, the cherries are too expensive for me to tell you to buy them yourself. I recommend getting a friend who will get you these cherries as a thoughtful little gift. Now, take a big scoop of cherries and put em in a glass with ice¹. Oh yeah, get a glass and put ice in it. Don’t know if I should assume that step is implied. Literacy rates where they are and everything…

OK, the cherries go into the glass of ice along with a couple spoonfuls of the cherry syrup. Critics are loving this red goop! I also still have the French vanilla syrup I bought to write this piece about dirty soda four years ago. Speaking of which, remember the Diet Coke from earlier? Yeah, I was probably going to mix it with, get this…a little bit of coffee creamer. Sue me about it! Dirty soda is a fun drink for Mormons (and sometimes me!) where you add some freak shit to soda. It usually ends up tasting like a melted ice cream float so calm down. I explain all of this in that piece I wrote for the Cut, but I guess I shouldn’t assume you read it literacy rates where they are AND EVERYTHIng. Okay, into the glass of ice goes a splash of frnch vanil syrp.

Lime sparkling water? We’re adding it. Because then it’s like a diluted cherry limeade kinda maybe? Kinda! Maybe! Upon first sip, this drink really had me saying, “I am liking this fine even though I thought I’d be drinking a Diet Coke!!!”

What else, what else…

Yes, I am watching Love Island(s). Both US and UK, but I’m not caught up on US so shh I’m trying to forget the spoilers I already saw. My review for the current season (and every season) of Love Island UK is this: let’s give the girls a g*n and see what happens.

Can you imagine this being the first time you’ve read this newsletter? If it is, it’s not always like this, promise. Unless…?

Recipe for a drink that will make you say, “I am liking this fine even though I thought I’d be drinking a Diet Coke!”

Ingredients:

• Maraschino cherries, plus some of the syrup (I used Fabbri Amarena cherries, which I got as a present, if you’re looking for gift ideas for me specifically)

• French vanilla syrup (I’m sure non-French will do in a pinch, mon ami)

• Lime sparkling water (Or whatever flavor seems least gross with vanilla and cherries)

Add a few cherries to a glass with ice. Add a couple of spoonfuls of the cherry syrup to your preferred sweetness. Add a splash of the vanilla syrup and top with lime sparkling water. Cheers, mama.

1. To the tune of “Well, since my baby left me…”